SWAG
by Mayuri Kurotsuchi
Summary: The SSWA get a new member...Crack and chaos ensues! [Contains a 'gender swap' and a OC!...poor Zabi XD And candy galore! u ] And yes there is Mayu-Zabi (OC) Reference


**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Bleach! If i did it would be filled with so much crack, your head would explode!**

**Buuuuut Owlness owns Zabimaru :D**

**DESCRIPTION: SSWA get a new member...Crack and chaos ensues! **

**[Contains a 'gender swap' and a OC!...poor Zabi XD And candy galore! u ]**

**And yes there is Mayu-Zabi (OC) Reference...its cuter than anything EVER! :D**

**Kenpachi: LIEEES! KEN-ZABI IS THE BEST PAIRING! :u**

**Mayuri: I have more fangirls than you :I**

**Kenpachi: I know…WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TOO!? ;O;**

**Mayuri: TROLOLOLOL! :D**

Today was like any other day in the Seireitei, Shunsui was so drunk he fell down every stair case he could find, Byakuya was silently cursing at Renji for spilling tea on the paper work...again, Yamamoto was babysitting Kenpachi while Yachiru was stalking Ichigo (Wait..wut?) And Hisagi was taking Komamura for his daily walk.

Yep, everything was perfectly normal. Well, by their standards anyway...

But deep within the Kuchiki lair, in the maze of interconnected rooms hid the base of the Soul society women's association, a mysterious group that nearly every man had tried to sneak into, but had failed miserably.

But not today...

All the women except for a now late Nemu took their seats, their newest member, Zabimaru sat next to Matsumoto and Soifon who both seemed even less interested in the meeting than her. She sighed as the meeting began, Nanao began to read the instructions left to her by Yachiru, her face paled and her eye twitched and she let out a confused stutter.

"What is it Nanao - chaaaaaaaan?" Matsumoto chirped, obviously drunk, again. "Uh...well..it says" She mumbled as she adjusted her glasses, "we are to...welcome our new member...?".

Everybody began to gossip, Zabimaru snatched the note from the dazed Nanao and scanned through the scribbled crayon note;

'Hiya Nanan! i wont be coming to the meeting today (U jelly?) so your in charge of welcoming our new member! She wil arrive at 2pm with Nemooo! HAVE FUUUUUUN! :D'

She blinked as a knock silenced all the chatter, she looked up to see the time was exactly 2pm and gulped uneasily. "Coooome in!" everybody glared at Matsumoto as she sank down her chair with a fearful giggle and sat under the table.

The door creaked open and a slightly blushing Nemu stepped in, behind her stood the new member, which all the women gasped at. She had long straight blue hair that curved foreword like horns, a odd pale white complexion, a bust that rivaled Matsumoto's and two piercing golden eyes, but the oddest thing of all...

"Why are you wearing Mayuri-chans coat?" Zabimaru growled and flicked her tail making it hit Matsumoto under the table, the strange woman gulped and avoided eye contact as she nudged Nemu.

"o-oh! um, Mayuri sama is on..a mission so he sent his...Sister! To cover for him!" She looked back uneasily at the woman who simply nodded her approval. Zabimaru's frown grew larger.

"I never knew he had a sister, what's her name?" she crossed her arms and glared at Nemu who tensed under the intense look. "Mayur-" she squeaked as the woman gave her a strong nudge. "M-mayaru...?" She gulped and the woman sighed with annoyance.

"Mayaru, huh? Their parents weren't very inventive with names...Also...She can talk for her self, **right**?" she growled the last syllable. Her Mayuri was gone and he never told her which ticked her off to no end.

"O-of course I-i can speak you imbecile!" her voice was so familiar, a slight high pitch with an unmistakable cuteness about it that made her curious. Nemu and Mayaru took their seats opposite Zabimaru, Mayaru looked at Zabimaru and smiled shyly. Oh yes, Zabimaru was curious about 'her'.

"uh...okay...so, what should we discuss today ladies?" Nanao stared at the new arrival out of the corner of her eye; she knew something was not right about this 'woman'. An evil smirk grew as a plan was made to test her theory.

"Unless...you think we should have a break first" she grinned seeing the other squirm and become more eager for something, Zabimaru was also watching this secretive investigation, Nanao and Zabimaru looked at each other and nodded.

"...Since Yachiru isn't here, we could take some of her candy from her stash" and with that Mayaru's eyes sparkled, 'she' then squealed loud enough to shatter Nanao's glass lenses. Nemu mentally facepalmed as she had to hold her own father from making a mad dash to said stash and turning himself into a Shinigami Piñata.

"Mayu, why have you got boobs" Zabimaru chirped, relieved he didn't really leave. The comment made Mayaru stutter and look down nervously, "uh...B-because I'm a w-woman...? I got boobs! See! That's proof!" He poked the chest piece as to reinforce the fact.

"Mayuri, it looks like you just put false boobs on..." Soifon mumbled, she was dying of boredom and had noticed the first moment she saw him, Matsumoto of course, the genius she is, popped her head up from under the table and screamed "OH MY GOD! SO MAYURI HASN'T GOT A SISTER!?". She sank back down with a mumble 'now where did I leave my Gin plushie...i need to change his nappies'

"W-what!? These are not false!" Mayuri squealed in fear as he came into contact with Nanao's direct gaze, "Mayuri, your here for the candy, aren't you?" Nanao sighed, her annoyance growing as she sat a new pair of glasses on the bridge of her nose.

With a poof of purple smoke Mayuri had returned to normal with his face paint (…Yes he only had fake boobs .-,) He stared at Nanao with a blank expression "okay, I made your boring meeting more bearable for today...can I have candy now?" Zabimaru facepalmed, 'he's such a kid...'. Nanao growled and Mayuri raised his hands up in defense "C-come on! No need to be angry! I'm just stating the obvious!"

The women agreed with him and Nanao sighed in defeat, "Fine, you can stay, but only for today!". He smiled and waved at Zabimaru who was giving the 'did you hit your head...again?' look. He simply grinned at his victory.

"Well, we might as well have our break" they all left for the break room, leaving Matsumoto to wake up and think she was the only survivor of a major catastrophe, 'o-oh my god...im...the only one left...MORE SAKE FOR ME! WOO!'

Upon reaching the break room Mayuri froze in awe of a mountain of candy that lay before him, his reached his hands forward in a grabby motion, "so...much candy...must...have...candy!" Nemu bear hugged him by Nanao's order and he yelped in shock.

"Nemu! You stupid girl, what are you doing!", "I ordered her to restrain you because of your candy cravings. I can't let you run free around Yachiru's candy mountain" (*cough* CHARLIEEEE *cough cough*) he wined and kicked out at Nemu as she carried him and sat with him on her lap. He blinked and growled with annoyance, "Nemu im going to cut off your arms and make them into the most terrific display of human-limb origami if you don't let me go!". She cringed and did let him go of course but instead tied his hands and ankles to the chair, "...Stupid brat…" he growled, the candy mountain standing teasingly before him.

Zabimaru had plucked a sweet off the mountain and skipped over to sit next to him, she opened the wrapper slowly as he stared, "I'm happy...you didn't leave, i though something bad had happened to you. You never leave without telling me…" She whispered just so he could hear as she chewed at the coin shaped sweet. He remained silent as he watched intently as she chewed little pieces of the sweet off; she noticed his gaze and blushed, "Mayu... Chan..?". He looked into her golden colored eye and gulped slightly, feeling a blush upon his painted face, "uh...you...um...err..." They both stared into each other's eyes, as they leaned closer to seal the distance between them.

"IM BAAAAACK!" The pink poof ball lunged into its candy mountain and burrowed into it, her head popped out at the top and she squealed as she slid down. "Oh, welcome back Yachiru!" Zabimaru turned to wave and she froze with relisation, "where's my..." she looked over to Mayuri and wined as she saw him finish her sweet. He grinned at her and said in a whisper, "I think we need more candy"

**A/N**

**OMFG! LOOOOOOOOL! X'D**

**Mayuri: oh my...o/o**

**Zabi: /**

**Kenpachi: WRITE A LOVEY-DOVEY HAPPY-DAPPY STORY WITH ME IN EEEEEEET! :U**

**Mayuri: *clings to zabi* My precious…ssss…. e3e**

**Zabi: o.O **

**Bonus Mini Story:** Hell hath no fury like Kenpachi with a spork (Yes, you did just read that)

In the barracks of the 1st division screams of battle could be heard, everybody had evacuated knowing that it was their captains turn to baby-sit. And if they had fled any faster Mayuri would have had to question the laws of physics.

Oh yes, this task of baby-sitting was only for the brave and strong, even Byakuya fell to this 'Demon child'.

Yamamoto sighed to himself as he watched Kenpachi chase after Ichigo (who was abducted by Yachiru). Luckily Yamamoto had taken both their Zanpakuto but that didn't stop Kenpachi from stabbing him with a spork like a deranged mad man with that signature large grin plastered on his face (. . . .-.)

"Kenpachi! Stop trying to kill me! And what the hell is with the spork!?" he sprinted out of the mans reach and panted, covered in little holes where the killer spork had hit.

"Tsk! a spork is a strawberries most feared foe! Now stop running! AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAN! (berry)" he lunged at an incredible speed and plunged the spork into Ichigo's chest directly above his heart.

Ichigo blinked at the man that towered over him "...Uh...ow?".He sweatdropped as Kenpachi threw the Spork so hard a sonic boom bellowed in the sky. He went into a full on hissi fit, kicking at flowers (which he was tempted to attack Ichigo with...*facepalm*) And roaring "What the fuck! I can believe this crap! THIS IS SOOOOO UNFAIR!"

Ichigo remained silent as he watched the 'adult man' have a Yachiru style spaz.

"...kids these days..." Yamamoto sighed.


End file.
